Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
