Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
