Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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