So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
