Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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