Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
