i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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