That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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