I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
