Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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