So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
