There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
