I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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