For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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