he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
