she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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