You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
