you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
