I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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