I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
In America we eat man semen.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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