I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
