Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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