Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Actions speak louder than pants.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
