You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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