remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
