VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
