Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
God I need to hump something, right now.
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