bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
