I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
