I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
