There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
