just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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