I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So vagazzling was a success
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
