As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
