just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
