Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
