i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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