So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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