i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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