I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He? As in you personified your dick?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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