I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
