sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
