he shaved USA in his pubs
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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