Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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