Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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