come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
