I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I need a beard to bite.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
