You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
