he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
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