3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Randomize
